I like thought provoking days the best.
I'm happiest when my mind is churning over new ideas, new notions, new ways of dreaming and growing and developing. I'm happiest when I'm trying to align my values with my perspectives and my goals. Some days it works, some days it doesn't, but the attempt tends to be what matters most. The sort of day where I'll take a while just to sort everything through in my own mind.
I took a few things of great value to me out of today. One from the beginning of the day, one from the end.
The first thing of value is a phrase to describe me. "You try to squeeze a 14 page essay into a 140 character tweet."
Yup, that's exactly right. And every one of these blog entries I've been writing have been 1400 page manifestos. Each one has been something about myself, my development, my ideas, my creation, my disappointments. All written in bas relief. Mostly because I'm struggling to find a way to express the idea that this is a snapshot of my environment today resulting from a lifetime of experience of questionable value. I'm okay with that, it's who I am today, and am important view into who I am today and who I'm becoming.
The man I am formed from the man I was. The man I am becoming will develop from the man typing today. The friends and influences around me are the people who will create the experience and provide the raw materials that will go into the building of the future me. It's not always easy to value all the experiences at the time, but I try my best to keep my perspective and to continue to grow.
I don't know how I can fully explain every idea that gestates in my mind every time I encounter a life changing moment. Sometimes I can piece together a concept and explain it descriptively, other times my thoughts are entirely convoluted and nearly impossible to explain in short order. I may try to guide you through it, or I may take a shortcut and just throw out a tidbit and let you piece together your own meaning. It matters less than I usually wish to think. I try to keep my writing to what my mother could understand, but I'm really my own primary target. I write to remind myself where I was at a particular point of time, what I was thinking when I made a decision, how I developed the way I have. You're more than welcome to tag along as a voyeuristic guest, and should you gain anything of value I'm ecstatic for you.
The second piece wasn't anything that was spoken to me, but the experience of going to a friend's backyard barbeque. It is well and truly not an experience I'd normally enjoy and certainly not something I'd seek out. Perhaps it's a sign that I'm growing up and learning to challenge myself and put myself into uncomfortable situations. It's only through new experiences that we can develop ourselves - if we only live the same experience day after day we will be locked into the same life day after day. I crave more. I long to be effective on a greater level. I want to follow through on more than just rhetoric, I need my words to reflect the cornerstones of who I am. Sometimes I'm not always happy with where that leads me. I want to go into those uncomfortable places willingly and with my courage at my side.
Two people that I truly value highly. Both are "losers" and in that process have made me so much more than I ever was before. That's winning to a much grander degree. Thank you both. Tomorrow will be even better than today.